Okay, I’ll admit it. I am maybe, most definitely, the world’s worst blogger. This is literally just becoming my diary, so, so sorry about that.
I kind of don’t even know where to start. The world keeps getting scarier, and waking up with a massive weight of anxiety on my chest every day, not sleeping, not eating, not doing much of anything has not been my personal cup of tea. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t such a big reader, or that I wasn’t so self aware, or that I was lacking brain cells, just so I could be living my life like normal right now, going about my business even though black people are literally still being murdered and police are very much still not being held accountable. It’s hard to see some people from my hometown who have just… not changed at all. They don’t have their own political opinions, instead becoming mini versions of their parents, worried about insignificant bullshit like a tree getting cut down in front of the school (I’m not joking. A Facebook page was created about it. It was described as a massacre………….. Gotta go), and they will never realize that issues outside of their small and close minded hometown exists.
I don’t know if it’s because I moved to a big city, or whether it’s because I smoke an unhealthy amount, but I feel like my eyes have just really been opened more. And all I’m seeing is a damaged country. We have a joke for a president, who is more concerned about a social media app rather than focusing on a pandemic killing thousands. Homelessness and unemployment are incredibly high and we are literally pretending that a virus does not exist. The anger and rage inside of me when I see people on social media posting pictures at restaurants… like, really? Is it worth it? You can’t cook or order takeout? I stepped into a mall for the first time since this all started the other day and didn’t last twenty minutes before I went home and showered for an hour. I feel so dirty and grimy being out in public and I’m terrified of contracting anything. I was a germaphobe before, and now I just feel like I will never be normal again after this. And if I feel that way, how are people acting like nothing is happening? ….We didn’t open up because the virus is gone. Our country cares more about money and profit than peoples lives, and that’s really sad. It’s still here and worse here than anywhere else in the world, so I’m not understanding the logic of sending kids back to school, sending people back to work, literally acting like we are tougher than a virus. While a majority of other countries are back to normal with a low number of cases because they are simply not idiots and know how to follow guidelines of health professionals. It’s embarrassing, and I hope, if you are one of these people, that you realize how stupid and embarrassing you look. This country, if we tried and actually gave a shit, could do so much good for people. We are all so fucking selfish, we don’t even think to attempt it. It’s sad and embarrassing, and no one should be proud to live here.
Now onto some personal ranting. I was furloughed from a great job before this all started, and I was going to take that as a sign that maybe Boston wasn’t for me. I quit my job with the idea that I would save up my money for the next few months and move back to New York. But, I don’t know, I feel like Boston was ruined for me and I never really gave it a chance. I loved it when I first got here. It was so incredibly different from Middleburgh – the people, the clothing, the streets, the history.. everything. I felt at home and like I could really make a place for myself. Then, of course, Covid happened and I was trapped inside in a city where I knew a total of four people. This past month has been really, really hard for me. I’ve always been really anxious, and that mixed with the overwhelming feeling of sadness, loneliness, not knowing whats going to happen on a daily basis, and seeing all of the cruelty and selfishness in the world wasn’t creating many happy feelings inside me. I was living with a terrible person who I already had so much anger and resentment towards who finally showed her true colors (of which I’d been known, but we won’t mention that), I was job searching both in Boston and in Albany, deciding whichever job I got would be where I moved. I was not eating, was having trouble sleeping, was dealing with multiple panic attacks a day. It wasn’t good, and I got to a really scary place.
Luckily, I have great people in my life. I am a shy person, so my circle is pretty small, and I don’t let a whole lot of people in (this sounds so dumb and cliche, but it’s true). And I’m happy to say that the people I do let in are truly the most amazing people in the world. My friends from home, my parents, the roommates who have become like family to me – they all had a part in making me realize that yes, the world is incredibly shitty, but I am so loved and I will never be alone, even if I feel like I am. I used to be a really terrible person. I was just angry all of the time whether it was because of personal issues, family issues, or what have you. I was evil and I treated people terribly. And I think quarantine has really helped me with this. Like, I promise you, if you knew me in high school, you do not know me now. I still have flaws (picture this: me, going into an angry uproar over the toilet paper roll not being replaced) but I have the self awareness now to know when I am in the wrong, to know what I have to fix inside of myself, and to work to fix that problem. Doing this has made it so I won’t allow anyone in my life to make me feel shitty and unloved. Maybe it’s the Cancer in me (sorry to be that dumb astrology bitch.. but sorry it’s real) but I read people so easily. I can tell someone’s intentions right off the bat, and can tell within five minutes of meeting someone for the first time if I’ll like them. I kept being really hard on myself because I was so jealous of those girls who have such big social circles, and are always out and doing something fun with a new friend. I really shitted on myself for not being able to be this person, and it was exhausting trying to force myself to be like that, when in reality, I’m just not. I’ve become a really cool person and I am so in love with the book nerd stoner persona I’ve created, haha. Quarantine has helped me learn to be comfortable with myself. Also… now definitely not jealous of the dumbasses continuing to hang out with a new person and do a new thing every day without masks… hope the disease is worth it girlies! xoxo
So, yeah, in conclusion, the world still sucks. And probably will continue to suck for a very long time. And if you’re feeling these extreme feelings of anxiety, depression, and overwhelming fear, just know that you’re not alone. My mom says it to me every time I get on the phone with her. It might feel like your world is crumbling to pieces. And I’m not going to say, “Well, other people have it worse!” because these feelings are valid. We are in the middle of a pandemic, in a country that isn’t taking it seriously. You are not alone when job hunting, apartment hunting, etc. You are not alone in your worries about money, or your health. You are definitely not alone in your hatred for old, white men running this country to fit their selfish needs and desires, or racists aiming to return the world to the 1950s. Everything you are feeling is valid – allow yourself to feel these things, but then do something about it. If you’re feeling crappy about being unemployed even after graduating with a fresh diploma, get online and apply to jobs. It’s okay if you don’t find your “adult” job right away, because companies requiring a bachelor’s degree and offering a minimum of $12 dollars an hour are out of their mind. If you’re feeling lonely, overwhelmed, and scared, please talk to someone. I promise you are not alone.