Stuck

Whenever I’ve been faced with something overwhelming and terrifying, I’ve turned to writing to make myself feel better, or at the very least air out all of my thoughts and feelings. Recently, I’ve felt like even writing things out is a burden, and can barely bring myself to do it. But I have so many thoughts and feelings, and feel like vomiting every time another awful breaking news bulletin pops up on my phone, and I really just need to write. No filter, no going through and editing to make it sound pretty and concise. I feel overwhelmed, scared, and I need to type.

I was originally furloughed from a really fantastic job when the pandemic started. I didn’t see it lasting that long, so I decided to just take a little break and focus on myself. I had some savings for rent and groceries, and I thought I’d be back in a month or less. Now we’re approaching, what, the fifth month of this? Every day I spend filling out job application after job application, and getting no response. Jobs that I’m under-qualified for. And I know I’m not alone, there are tons of people out of a job, and so many people in a worse position than me. But it’s scary. I graduated a year ago, and I feel this overwhelming pressure to get my end all be all job, right now. It feels like most of my friends have found great jobs, and I’m slacking. No money coming in, no job offer in the foreseeable future, and the bills are stacking up. I never envisioned this for myself, and I know no one else in my position did either. And it’s truly awful that we are getting little to no assistance from those essentially in charge.

I’m so sick of waking up every morning and my first thought being money. Everything revolves around a little green piece of paper. Having to pay for an apartment, find a new car, health and car insurance, food and groceries, student loans having reached 50k months ago. Financial aid didn’t kick in for one single summer class I am taking, forcing me to pay 5k out of pocket for it. That I don’t have to spend right now and that I probably won’t have for a while. I can only dream of a future in which I have five thousand extra dollars lying around. I know, again, that people are so much worse off. But it infuriates me that influencers, celebrities, so on and so forth, have an excessive amount of money that they do nothing with. Yes, no one is under any obligation to do anything with their money, and no one personally owes me a single thing. But there are some that didn’t even donate a single cent to the black lives matter movement, didn’t speak out on it, kept their mouths shut, and now continue to go on vacations and photo-shoots or whatever it is, even though we’re in a massive pandemic with no end in sight. Because the world revolves around money, making it, keeping it, getting more of it – who cares if millions die? Get back to work and continue working for a tiny minimum wage that no one can possibly live comfortably with.

Every single person who wants to argue about their right to not wear a mask is genuinely lacking a brain. I’m sorry but to think you’re smarter than HEALTH OFFICIALS? You have to wear a mask for your 45 minute long grocery trip, and then you’re free to take it off. To potentially save someones life. Like, do you people realize we know next to NOTHING about this virus? There. Is. No. Cure. Millions have died. Do you get that? So what if you get hot under a mask. Who cares – doctors and nurses wear them for long stretches of time every single day, so they can save your ungrateful and selfish life, when you eventually catch a disease that you seem to think you’re immune to. Dumb. Genuine stupidity. I’m so incredibly sorry to every nurse and doctor who has to see people acting like this. It’s not fair.

I’m not going to get into Trump again – I’ve said what I’ve said on it and if I think about it I will sit and cry for three hours straight. Taking the US out of the WHO during a global pandemic, enacting a rule that employers can opt out of birth control coverage for health insurance, taking away rights from those in the LGBTQ+ community, telling students they have to leave the United States if their school is online in the fall, is evil. It’s evil, and that’s what it comes down to. He holds pure hatred in his heart, and cares about no one. Years of work and progression getting erased on a daily basis. I fear what he will do with four more years.

I’ve also been getting really uneasy over the thought of being alone for the rest of my life. I’m in a place where (clearly) I have way too many other things on my plate to even think for one second about getting into a relationship, but there seems to be this huge amount of pressure that we put on females to settle down and start a family before they’re 25. And it’s actually disgusting that we do that. You don’t owe anyone anything, and your life is your own life. Don’t let others around you make you think that you’re not good enough because of what you’re doing at any given time. It’s more than okay to allow yourself to be completely single and there’s not something wrong with you for doing so. A lot of people seem to not realize it, but you actually don’t need a man in your life to dictate your every move and make it worth living !! It’s more important to make sure you are secure in your own self – that you love yourself and are happy and proud to be around yourself. If you need a man in your life and are unable to be without one? Maybe there’s some more learning about yourself that you need to do. Working on yourself is so much more important. Speaking of them, more and more, men do things that make me actually want to die. I might as well air this out as well, because I can’t stop thinking about it. I went to the beach with one of my roommates the other day and as we were setting up our blanket, we heard these two men mumbling behind us. We quieted down and heard them saying absolutely awful things, an example being “I would pound the f*ck out of that.” They were sitting directly behind us, on a beach where multiple kids and teenagers were, thinking there was nothing wrong with opening their gross mouths to degrade two females they don’t know, at all. After we moved away from them, they sat there for the entire duration of our time on the beach, and pointed and giggled at every single girl that walked by them. The way middle aged white men think that this world is their little playground is disgusting.

I’ve just been feeling really hopeless. Things look bleak, and it’s scary. I don’t know why I’m in school, pursuing a degree in a field which could easily fall under within the next few years. I’m wasting money, time, and energy, in a city that I hate. Trying to find a job and an apartment in a city that I maybe don’t hate. To work for the rest of my life for a government that doesn’t care about me, and to eventually die still owing money to the government that doesn’t care me. It just really sucks that some people still can’t see how deranged living in America is. To still support and defend people who don’t care, who are willing to see the whole world destroyed just for their own benefit. I feel sick at the thought of living here for the rest of my life, because life should not be this hard.

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