Something I’ve started realizing lately is how sexed up everyone is. Maybe it’s quarantine, maybe it’s having easier access to more things compared to how things were as a teenager, who knows – but in recent years people are NOT shy on talking about how much sex they’re having, what kind of sex they’re having, who they’re having sex with, etc etc etc. And that’s great! I remember growing up, you didn’t see much of anything on TV or movies. You’d get a peek at some heavy making out but besides that, things were pretty much kept behind closed doors and off of media. So it’s really something to see how open many people are nowadays. From actors and actresses talking in depth about their “wild and insane” sex lives, to 14/15 year olds talking about losing their VIRGInITY on an app where child predators surely are clicking through daily, to men thinking a “damn ur hot” message on Tinder will get them a booty pic within five minutes of talking. I’m not a fan.
I’m a shy girl – I think we all know this. Didn’t really date anyone in high school, rarely move past the talking stage with someone, not really inclined towards random hook ups. I’ve always been like this. I don’t really feel comfortable talking about it as openly as some other people do. And I’ve noticed that being around this insane hookup culture where all anyone is concerned with is how much sex they’re getting makes me SO insecure. And I don’t think I’m alone.
For those who think I’m speaking from a jealous place – sure, maybe. I can count the number of boyfriends I’ve had on one hand. I don’t have twenty different guys on any given day popping up in my DMs. But I’m surrounded by a lot of people who do, or at least put on a show claiming they do. I’m not coming for them – I wish with everything in me that I could be a hot and confident girl with my pick of guys, but it’s not the case. And it’s really hard to not compare my situation to others girls and feel awful about it.
Sex is everywhere. TV shows and movies air full sex scenes, porn is readily available for anybody at any time, Tinder has turned into a free for all where no one understands the concept of asking someone what they do for fun before asking for some nudes. And I’ve noticed that being around all of this puts me in a real bad place – “Why am I not good enough for anyone?” “Why am I good enough to hook up with once and then drop?” “Why aren’t I as pretty/funny/confident as her?” You know – all the fun questions. Deep down, I know I’ve become a really great person over the past year. We all have those times where we think we are the worlds most disgusting troll and refuse to even let a man so much as look at us, but I’ve genuinely really learned to love myself and enjoy my own company. Most of the time. But then those questions will pop up, or I’ll see someone post a picture of their cute ass, stupid ass, relationship and get sad. Or I’ll watch a stupid teenage romance movie and get sad that I’ve wasted my life and will never grow up next to the cute boy next door until we suddenly and entirely fall completely head over heels during prom our junior year. Or I’ll get five “send pics” messages in a row on a dating app. Always cute enough to see naked, but never cute enough to stick around for.
Because of these thoughts I have written off marriage in the future, even having kids in the future. I was talking to a friend the other day who said something along the lines of “You believe so fully in not wanting marriage but it’s only because you truly believe no one will ever want that with you.” And I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I kind of do this in every aspect of my life. I don’t want marriage, a wedding or kids – because I don’t believe someone could ever see that as a goal with me. If a guy shows interest in me, he must be joking – better ghost him quick before he can ghost you! It’s sad, and definitely has to do with what I saw relationship-wise growing up, and guys I’ve chosen to date in the past. But the good news is that I am here to smack some sense into you if you tend to think the same way.
Men are, no offense, emotionally stunted until the age of ?? Who’s to say? Haven’t gotten there yet. I’d rather not deal with dumb little games or toxicity, so recently I’ve decided I’m more than okay with j chilling until someone decent comes around. People love sex. People love to talk about sex. And it’s more than okay if you don’t. Everything is so in your face with social media, videos, or what have you these days and it’s so hard to believe that you’re not unlovable. It’s so easy to think that everyone else in the world is either talking to someone or hooking up with someone or dating someone. Besides that not being true, it also doesn’t mean that it’s never going to happen to you personally. And, believe me, I know how incredibly cheesy all of this sounds, but coming from an extreme pessimist at heart, it took me a really long time to be okay with saying any of this. I have my insecure moments, days where I feel like a creature dredged up from the nearest swamp, and other days I can confidently say I’m the most stunning, magnificent, wonderful, quirky, masterpiece of a human being. I will never be a random hook up girl. I will never have a mob of men pining after me. But one day a perfect, dumb goofball will roll into my life and I’ll know why it never happened with anyone else.