huh

It took me a minute to decide whether I wanted to add my own thoughts on feelings on the big C that is currently ~ruining every single thing for every single person~. The world is terrifying right now, and I, like many of you, have no idea what day it is and can’t exactly pinpoint when the last time was that I was able and willing to keep up with the news. This whole situation is panic inducing enough, even more so for someone who is massively anxious and thinks the world is ending on a normal day, pre-global pandemic. I think that’s why I initially wrote this whole…. “thing” off as everyone being super dramatic and over preparing for nothing. Because I do this on a normal basis. So while I was scared when the first case happened preeetty close to where I live, I figured it would be taken care of and was nothing too serious. But then every school in America closed? Basketball canceled? Restaurants closing dining areas, stores, malls, and amusement parks all closing for the foreseeable future? Shit got real, real quick.

For me, hiding out at home and not having to see anyone is my dream, but when the choice to actually go out and do something is taken away from you, it’s kind of… scary ?? I love books, love binging TV shows for an excessively long time (I have finished Love Is Blind and need something similar to come out Very Soon) and love sleeping just as much as the next person but I’d rather not do all of this in a hellish cycle for the next couple of months. Also at the rate of which I eat meals, I will be running out of food in the next day and someone will have to roll me down the hall in about two weeks.

I wasn’t scared at first – if we had gone on immediate lock-down for a couple of weeks and shut everything down and no one could go anywhere, from the start, I would have felt better than how it actually went down We waited too long, people panicked, and now it’s out of hand, just like we were all warned. My first time in a Target the other day was unreal – I saw people with seven bottles of dish soap in their cart, or five cartons of milk, a mountain of bread loaves, and like.. what? Grocery stores are open and have been deemed essential businesses so will remain open – why. Why? Why!!! Were people storming the stores!!! They’re still open even now!! While it’s completely expected for people to be scared about something like this, the way people have started acting towards each other is awful. How do you expect to get anywhere yelling at a retail employee who doesn’t want to be bagging your groceries any more than you want to be out buying said groceries? I was one of those people who didn’t flock immediately to the local store to grab my 24 bags of toilet paper, and now … can’t find any! Should have panic bought! Should have lost my shit like the rest of the population who’s first worry in a national crisis is how they will wipe! Stepping into any sort of store the last two weeks has felt very apocalyptic and it’s worrisome seeing that this is how we all act in an emergency.

Didn’t think I would be filing for unemployment less than a year after graduating from college. Didn’t think I would be living in my favorite city, a beautiful and busy one, but with a virus spreading through it faster than the news could report. I feel so sad for everyone affected, truly. My heart hurts for seniors in both high school, college, whatever it is, because while some people are going to be annoying and tell you that people are dying so you should be thankful, it sucks. It sucks to miss out on something you have been working towards for years, and I can’t imagine how scary and overwhelming it must be to say goodbye to your friends and your school while all of this happening. And my heart hurts for everyone who has been left without a job, not knowing what to do next. I’m scared for people who leave their house as an escape, whatever that escape may be. Myself, I know I might truly go insane if stuck inside without a routine for the next few weeks, months, whatever it may be. I had gotten to a point before all of this, where I was so happy with my life and myself, and those around me and it scares me looking ahead, knowing what being alone in a room can do to a person and their thoughts.

Not to be a complete depressing asshole, there’s some definite perks. My sleep schedule has truly never looked better. My cat has never received so many cuddles. Discovering new music has become my job. Ordering delivery an excessive amount has now become my civic duty, and I will not disappoint. My bong and I have become well acquainted and my pile of “books to read” has dwindled significantly. It’s been a great time to do a social media cleanse – I deleted twitter off of my phone at one point because the news and other peoples opinions genuinely got to be too much, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt better after doing so. (Highly recommended – take a break or you will drive yourself crazy. You will be updated on any breaking news updates, you do not have to constantly be scrolling through Twitter). So while life is scary outside, it is nice to just be able to take a breather for a second. Though I do request that this end quickly as I am getting closer to making a dancing tik-tok video and I don’t think any of us want this.

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