12:33 am seems like the most logical time to put my entire love life on the table here fore everyone to see, so let’s roll with it. Everything always hits harder around the holidays, especially the realization that yet another holiday has arrived in which I am aggressively single during one of the most romantic and happiest times of the year. This years different, though, as I’ve finally found myself at a semi emotionally stable point, in terms of confidence in this aspect of my love life, and I’ve been reflecting on the lessons I’ve learned from the people who’ve played a role in getting me to this point.
We all have that one person who genuinely messed us up. That one person we saw ourselves going all in with, the person who we completely let into our lives, baring everything emotionally, physically, and mentally, all to have it end in tears and heartbreak. While I definitely will one hundred percent never be in the right mind space to talk about this person, the person who left me in pieces and probably didn’t even realize it, I learned a lot about myself after this. One of the traits I love (and hate) most about myself is my loyalty. It does great things for me, but it is also the most frustrating aspect of my personality. When I care for someone, I care hard, and most people don’t share this trait. Other people seem to have no problem dropping someone toxic out of their lives if it means they’ll be happier in the long run, but I’ve never been like this. I will let someone I care about walk all over me without so much as blinking an eye and never expecting an apology. This has led to some people I’ve let in who never deserved to see the deepest parts of me.
I’ve been “single” for, uhhh, a pretty long time now. I’ve had people who I’ve seen for a few weeks or months, but it never led to anything, and that was on them, not me. After growing up surrounded by examples of pretty toxic relationships, all I have ever craved was something real, where you know everything about the other person and respect them for both the things you love and the things you hate. A person you can do anything with, even if it’s driving aimlessly in a car talking or doing stupid errands together. And I swore I’ve found it before, a couple of different times… but the other person never seemed to agree.
Of course, I used this to come to the conclusion that I would be alone probably until the end of time. I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t pretty enough, wasn’t fun to be around, the list went on. This led to me absolutely, completely sabotaging anyone who tried to get to know me. I turned the tables on guys before they could do it to me. Before they could stop texting me and fall off the face of the earth, I did it to them. Before they could get what they wanted from a hook up a then pull the ol’ “You’re nice and all but I’m not looking for anything,” I did it to them. This didn’t make me any happier, instead led to me feeling twelve times worse and more lonely.
Around the time that I started my senior year of college, I was feeling really good and I had moved past that point of not feeling good enough for anyone. I had put myself through college and was two semesters away from graduating. I was starting to think about graduate school, had amazing friends, a decent job, and finally, a good head on my shoulders. I didn’t need a guy at all at this point and wasn’t going out looking for one either. “It will happen when it happens” was my motto at this point, because I had other, more important things to worry about, instead of worrying about why I wasn’t getting a text back from someone. Of course, because it’s me, this didn’t last for very long, as senior year brought me an amazing person who was the first in a while to make me feel as happy as I was feeling at that point. I thought maybe I was finally moving forward to having that permanent someone in my life.
Obviously, if that had been the case I probably wouldn’t be writing this post right now. But it made me realize that I am young and don’t have to find “the one” or be in any kind of a relationship right now. I’m only 22, I’m in graduate school in my favorite city in the whole world, after I found the balls to move out of my tiny hometown, I’m working towards my dream career, and I’ve found amazing friends. I’ve found myself, after all of these past experiences with guys, becoming more independent and not needing or wanting to rely on or answer to anyone, which is a place I never saw myself getting to. While I definitely feel a little bitter when I see yet another person from high school getting engaged or starting a family, that’s not in the cards for me yet, and the motto “it’ll happen when it happens” still holds very strong and true right now. And while I continuously pray every day that Jake Gyllenhaal will show up and sweep me off of my feet, I’m okay waiting around for a little while.