Not to be dramatic but literally what am I doing

I was going to write this whole cute, little blog post about my trip to the Museum of Fine Arts yesterday but then I woke up today to the, uh…worst day? For NO good reason. You know those days when nothing goes right, and even the slightest, most irrelevant thing pisses you off? Yeah, that’s today.

I’ve always been a shy, nervous person as much as I’ve tried not to be. I love talking to people, I genuinely love making new friends, it just takes me way too long of a time to let my personality and humor show around new people. It’s so frustrating because I see other people easily starting conversations with new people, having tons of friends and I get jealous because I’m not capable of being outgoing. So, when I decided I HAD to live and go to school directly in the middle of Fenway, one of the busiest parts of Boston, I thought it was a sign. If I could put on my big girl pants, and move from little old Middleburgh into the big city, and somehow survive, I was destined to live here. While there are some parts of the city that I am absolutely in love with – shout out to Downtown Crossing – I am sad and am finding it so difficult to find my place here.

Open book here – I left my job a couple of weeks ago. I had some money saved up for rent and to live comfortably for a little while, so I figured it was the best time for me to leave the worst job I’ve ever had, while I had some savings backing me up. I did what any unemployed 22 year old does – started a blog. I put in a few job applications but when the time came to go in for interviews, it was like…..y’all hear sumn? I have such lazy tendencies, I found myself making excuses so easily. I didn’t want to put in any effort which sucks because, like, obviously I need employment. The frustration kicked in this morning when I did it again. I messaged the person I had an interview with and told them I’d have to reschedule, then fell asleep until 11 which is so genuinely embarrassing I don’t even want to write it down. Then the guilt kicked in so I figured I would drive to campus, pay the million dollars for parking, and finish my last final project that I have been putting off and which is due in t-minus one day. No offense, but I don’t want to build my own website by coding the whole thing. (My poor professor is genuinely the sweetest woman in the world, and did not deserve to ever have my dumb ass in her class). But hey, OF COURSE the parking garage is just entirely closed today. On a Saturday. At the end of finals week. Simmons, genuinely who do you think you are? Then I got even more frustrated and went to Target to spend money I literally do not have to spend.

After spending said money that I do not have on absolutely pointless stuff (ten dollar towel and a refillable Brita water bottle. Someone please stop me), at least ten people cut me off on the way home, I got extreme road rage, almost died, and then sat in my car crying to my mom for twenty minutes. After dramatically texting my roommates that I was leaving as soon as possible to go home for break, telling multiple friends I hate it here and kinda want to die sometimes, I pulled myself together, put on my emo nemo playlist on Spotify and went to town on this blog post. Which all made me feel twelve times better (along with my angel cat coming and placing her angelic little paw on my lap as comfort – I do not deserve her) and I realized it’s completely okay that I have next to nothing figured out here. I moved entire state lines, enrolled in a really annoying and difficult graduate program, and somehow started a relatively decent blog. While it’ll probably take a while to be discovered for my brilliant writing (this is the second time I’ve made this joke, like calm down, it’s a blog) I am so proud of myself for breaking out of my comfort zone, even if it’s just a little bit each week. I do love Boston. I think I just never realized how much I would miss my psychotic family and the small country town that I always claimed to hate. After I go home for Christmas next week and remember how much I hate it, I’m sure we’ll all be in for another angry blog post. Cheers!

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