“Who discovered America?” “…Obama?”

Mikayla and I’s new favorite activity is smoking and watching Toddler’s and Tiara’s which is hands down the funniest show I have ever seen in my life. There is no way that TLC isn’t blatantly making fun of the parents on the show. Every time the camera is on one of the girls competing, some great lines come out like “but some day Justin Bieber will one day be married to me” and “umm I kind of hate this” as they sit, not caring about not one aspect of the pageants. But when the moms are getting interviewed, whoever edits the episodes leaves extra awkward silence as the mom stares silently after saying whatever dumb thing they said, an example being, “[My daughter] doesn’t have a chance of winning the ultimate mega supreme crown over me.” There’s also no way these parents aren’t on copious amounts of coke or adderall because, if you pay close enough attention, not one of them blinks for the entire episode.

Another one of my favorite parts of the show is the pre-planned drama. We watched an episode the other day where one coach (Yes. The mom’s hire coaches to teach the girls how to giggle and blow kisses) had two girls in the competition and just CLEARLY hated one girl that she was supposed to be coaching, and went on to sabotage her throughout the competition so the other girl that she had been coaching longer would win. Like it wouldn’t reflect well on her so called business. Which, by the way, I’m thinking of starting a coaching business -parents get charged up to $175 per class to be on a “team” and compete in pageants. For teaching the girls how to draw a heart around their face with their fingers, and smile towards the judges.

The episode we watched today, though, truly just… a masterpiece. This woman and her daughter named, Cherish, were competing in the same competition together. Yes that’s right, the 30 year old mom was joining her maybe six year old daughter, in a fun new section titled “glamour moms.” Glamour moms. Only five of the moms chose to compete in this horrid activity, and all five showed up wearing prom dresses that can be found in the clearance section of Forever 21, except for our favorite mom. Cherish’s mom stepped out in this little bedazzled number that easily cost her over one thousand dollars. Which, whatever, because what really sold this episode to me was the fact that Cherish’s mom does this after SABOTAGING her daughter so she could beat her. Cherish messed up her dance routines, had cheap looking outfits, and only, only got the princess title. The entire budget must have gone to her mom’s dress. Cherish was pissed: “I’m not even going to watch your performance,” and I was right there with her, hoping for her mom’s downfall. Justice was served and Cherish’s mom did not win the big title but are you kidding? Sabotaging your own child so you can win in a competition between you and four other moms. Here’s hoping Cherish has become twelve times more successful than her mom who, if I had to make a guess, is one hundred percent still competing in pageants today.

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