Not much makes me feel happy these days, and I’m finding it hard to find enjoyment in literally anything at all that I attempt to do. Writing these little blog posts helps me clear my head at least a little, so let’s talk about the big, annoying, dumb “A” word today – anxiety.
I honestly can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t anxious. I was a shy kid. I was the “quiet kid who read a lot” in school, an easy target for a lot of people I saw on a daily basis. I never had a ton of friends, and the ones I did have weren’t real, as I was a target for them too. Dealing with family issues on top of that overwhelming sense of nervousness and feeling alone at all times was a lot for any preteen to take on. Looking back, I should’ve talked to someone sooner. Maybe there would have been a way to ease my anxiety so it isn’t the huge issue it is in my life, current day.
I’m going to try to be completely open and honest here, because way too many people glorify it. Anxiety isn’t just being nervous to talk to strangers or make a phone call. That’s definitely a part of it, but not all. I’ve had days where all I have been able to do is curl up in my bed and cry. I’ve had days where, before hanging out with people I call my friends, really close friends at that, I’ve thrown up multiple times due to sheer nervousness. Terrible nausea before every big event in my life, whether it be a job interview, a date, going back to school after a holiday, whatever it was – I spent the night before worrying about every possible thing that could go wrong. I do that for everything. I will think of the worst possible outcome, down to walking into the dollar store in my hometown and getting murdered. And the worst part is, I know I’m being dramatic and I know that it probably won’t happen, but that doesn’t stop my brain from telling me that something bad is going to happen. Take today for example: I had an interview for a job that I know I would have gotten if I had gone. I sat in my bed for an hour, doubled over with nausea, before emailing them and saying I wouldn’t be coming because of a family emergency. And then, spent the next four hours sobbing, telling myself how stupid I was for not being able to go to what would have probably been a twenty minute interview. Even typing this out and thinking back on it, immediately tears come to my eyes and I start feeling dumb again.
I walk into grocery stores and think that every single person is staring at me and commenting on how stupid I look. I miss out on countless opportunities because, instead of thinking about the amazing time that could be had, I think about every single possible bad outcome that might happen instead, and then talk myself out of going. Every single phone call I ever make, whether it’s a five minute phone call to a friend to ask a question or a thirty minute long phone interview, ends in a puddle of sweat because I’m so nervous I can’t think straight. I literally don’t allow myself to think about my future – marriage, kids, a future job, a future home, because I will think about all of the things currently wrong in my life, and how I will never reach that point with anyone. Anxiety manifests in a lot of ways, and for me, apart from the awful sickness that comes with anything that happens to me ever, it’s anger. Extreme anger, lashing out at my friends just because I’m upset with myself, screaming, literally seeing red. And it makes me so upset, truly, because I didn’t ask to be like this. All I have ever wanted was to be the happy and social girl who has tons of friends and never has to worry about what she is saying or how she is coming off. A girl who doesn’t overthink every single fucking thing that comes out of her mouth, down to the way she says hello to the cashier at Target. Someone who doesn’t have the sick power to sit alone in her room and somehow convince herself that no one likes her and every single person in her life who claims to love and appreciate her is lying, and that it is all some sort of sick game.
There’s no point to this post, honestly. It just makes me feel awful that I probably have to deal with this and feel this way for the rest of my life, for every major thing that ever happens to me. I’m so sick of feeling crappy, and feeling like an inconvenience to everyone in my life, even though I am told every day that I’m not. Don’t glorify anxiety as being something cute and quirky, because I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Okay, I’ll admit it. I am maybe, most definitely, the world’s worst blogger. This is literally just becoming my diary, so, so sorry about that.
I kind of don’t even know where to start. The world keeps getting scarier, and waking up with a massive weight of anxiety on my chest every day, not sleeping, not eating, not doing much of anything has not been my personal cup of tea. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t such a big reader, or that I wasn’t so self aware, or that I was lacking brain cells, just so I could be living my life like normal right now, going about my business even though black people are literally still being murdered and police are very much still not being held accountable. It’s hard to see some people from my hometown who have just… not changed at all. They don’t have their own political opinions, instead becoming mini versions of their parents, worried about insignificant bullshit like a tree getting cut down in front of the school (I’m not joking. A Facebook page was created about it. It was described as a massacre………….. Gotta go), and they will never realize that issues outside of their small and close minded hometown exists.
I don’t know if it’s because I moved to a big city, or whether it’s because I smoke an unhealthy amount, but I feel like my eyes have just really been opened more. And all I’m seeing is a damaged country. We have a joke for a president, who is more concerned about a social media app rather than focusing on a pandemic killing thousands. Homelessness and unemployment are incredibly high and we are literally pretending that a virus does not exist. The anger and rage inside of me when I see people on social media posting pictures at restaurants… like, really? Is it worth it? You can’t cook or order takeout? I stepped into a mall for the first time since this all started the other day and didn’t last twenty minutes before I went home and showered for an hour. I feel so dirty and grimy being out in public and I’m terrified of contracting anything. I was a germaphobe before, and now I just feel like I will never be normal again after this. And if I feel that way, how are people acting like nothing is happening? ….We didn’t open up because the virus is gone. Our country cares more about money and profit than peoples lives, and that’s really sad. It’s still here and worse here than anywhere else in the world, so I’m not understanding the logic of sending kids back to school, sending people back to work, literally acting like we are tougher than a virus. While a majority of other countries are back to normal with a low number of cases because they are simply not idiots and know how to follow guidelines of health professionals. It’s embarrassing, and I hope, if you are one of these people, that you realize how stupid and embarrassing you look. This country, if we tried and actually gave a shit, could do so much good for people. We are all so fucking selfish, we don’t even think to attempt it. It’s sad and embarrassing, and no one should be proud to live here.
Now onto some personal ranting. I was furloughed from a great job before this all started, and I was going to take that as a sign that maybe Boston wasn’t for me. I quit my job with the idea that I would save up my money for the next few months and move back to New York. But, I don’t know, I feel like Boston was ruined for me and I never really gave it a chance. I loved it when I first got here. It was so incredibly different from Middleburgh – the people, the clothing, the streets, the history.. everything. I felt at home and like I could really make a place for myself. Then, of course, Covid happened and I was trapped inside in a city where I knew a total of four people. This past month has been really, really hard for me. I’ve always been really anxious, and that mixed with the overwhelming feeling of sadness, loneliness, not knowing whats going to happen on a daily basis, and seeing all of the cruelty and selfishness in the world wasn’t creating many happy feelings inside me. I was living with a terrible person who I already had so much anger and resentment towards who finally showed her true colors (of which I’d been known, but we won’t mention that), I was job searching both in Boston and in Albany, deciding whichever job I got would be where I moved. I was not eating, was having trouble sleeping, was dealing with multiple panic attacks a day. It wasn’t good, and I got to a really scary place.
Luckily, I have great people in my life. I am a shy person, so my circle is pretty small, and I don’t let a whole lot of people in (this sounds so dumb and cliche, but it’s true). And I’m happy to say that the people I do let in are truly the most amazing people in the world. My friends from home, my parents, the roommates who have become like family to me – they all had a part in making me realize that yes, the world is incredibly shitty, but I am so loved and I will never be alone, even if I feel like I am. I used to be a really terrible person. I was just angry all of the time whether it was because of personal issues, family issues, or what have you. I was evil and I treated people terribly. And I think quarantine has really helped me with this. Like, I promise you, if you knew me in high school, you do not know me now. I still have flaws (picture this: me, going into an angry uproar over the toilet paper roll not being replaced) but I have the self awareness now to know when I am in the wrong, to know what I have to fix inside of myself, and to work to fix that problem. Doing this has made it so I won’t allow anyone in my life to make me feel shitty and unloved. Maybe it’s the Cancer in me (sorry to be that dumb astrology bitch.. but sorry it’s real) but I read people so easily. I can tell someone’s intentions right off the bat, and can tell within five minutes of meeting someone for the first time if I’ll like them. I kept being really hard on myself because I was so jealous of those girls who have such big social circles, and are always out and doing something fun with a new friend. I really shitted on myself for not being able to be this person, and it was exhausting trying to force myself to be like that, when in reality, I’m just not. I’ve become a really cool person and I am so in love with the book nerd stoner persona I’ve created, haha. Quarantine has helped me learn to be comfortable with myself. Also… now definitely not jealous of the dumbasses continuing to hang out with a new person and do a new thing every day without masks… hope the disease is worth it girlies! xoxo
So, yeah, in conclusion, the world still sucks. And probably will continue to suck for a very long time. And if you’re feeling these extreme feelings of anxiety, depression, and overwhelming fear, just know that you’re not alone. My mom says it to me every time I get on the phone with her. It might feel like your world is crumbling to pieces. And I’m not going to say, “Well, other people have it worse!” because these feelings are valid. We are in the middle of a pandemic, in a country that isn’t taking it seriously. You are not alone when job hunting, apartment hunting, etc. You are not alone in your worries about money, or your health. You are definitely not alone in your hatred for old, white men running this country to fit their selfish needs and desires, or racists aiming to return the world to the 1950s. Everything you are feeling is valid – allow yourself to feel these things, but then do something about it. If you’re feeling crappy about being unemployed even after graduating with a fresh diploma, get online and apply to jobs. It’s okay if you don’t find your “adult” job right away, because companies requiring a bachelor’s degree and offering a minimum of $12 dollars an hour are out of their mind. If you’re feeling lonely, overwhelmed, and scared, please talk to someone. I promise you are not alone.
Whenever I’ve been faced with something overwhelming and terrifying, I’ve turned to writing to make myself feel better, or at the very least air out all of my thoughts and feelings. Recently, I’ve felt like even writing things out is a burden, and can barely bring myself to do it. But I have so many thoughts and feelings, and feel like vomiting every time another awful breaking news bulletin pops up on my phone, and I really just need to write. No filter, no going through and editing to make it sound pretty and concise. I feel overwhelmed, scared, and I need to type.
I was originally furloughed from a really fantastic job when the pandemic started. I didn’t see it lasting that long, so I decided to just take a little break and focus on myself. I had some savings for rent and groceries, and I thought I’d be back in a month or less. Now we’re approaching, what, the fifth month of this? Every day I spend filling out job application after job application, and getting no response. Jobs that I’m under-qualified for. And I know I’m not alone, there are tons of people out of a job, and so many people in a worse position than me. But it’s scary. I graduated a year ago, and I feel this overwhelming pressure to get my end all be all job, right now. It feels like most of my friends have found great jobs, and I’m slacking. No money coming in, no job offer in the foreseeable future, and the bills are stacking up. I never envisioned this for myself, and I know no one else in my position did either. And it’s truly awful that we are getting little to no assistance from those essentially in charge.
I’m so sick of waking up every morning and my first thought being money. Everything revolves around a little green piece of paper. Having to pay for an apartment, find a new car, health and car insurance, food and groceries, student loans having reached 50k months ago. Financial aid didn’t kick in for one single summer class I am taking, forcing me to pay 5k out of pocket for it. That I don’t have to spend right now and that I probably won’t have for a while. I can only dream of a future in which I have five thousand extra dollars lying around. I know, again, that people are so much worse off. But it infuriates me that influencers, celebrities, so on and so forth, have an excessive amount of money that they do nothing with. Yes, no one is under any obligation to do anything with their money, and no one personally owes me a single thing. But there are some that didn’t even donate a single cent to the black lives matter movement, didn’t speak out on it, kept their mouths shut, and now continue to go on vacations and photo-shoots or whatever it is, even though we’re in a massive pandemic with no end in sight. Because the world revolves around money, making it, keeping it, getting more of it – who cares if millions die? Get back to work and continue working for a tiny minimum wage that no one can possibly live comfortably with.
Every single person who wants to argue about their right to not wear a mask is genuinely lacking a brain. I’m sorry but to think you’re smarter than HEALTH OFFICIALS? You have to wear a mask for your 45 minute long grocery trip, and then you’re free to take it off. To potentially save someones life. Like, do you people realize we know next to NOTHING about this virus? There. Is. No. Cure. Millions have died. Do you get that? So what if you get hot under a mask. Who cares – doctors and nurses wear them for long stretches of time every single day, so they can save your ungrateful and selfish life, when you eventually catch a disease that you seem to think you’re immune to. Dumb. Genuine stupidity. I’m so incredibly sorry to every nurse and doctor who has to see people acting like this. It’s not fair.
I’m not going to get into Trump again – I’ve said what I’ve said on it and if I think about it I will sit and cry for three hours straight. Taking the US out of the WHO during a global pandemic, enacting a rule that employers can opt out of birth control coverage for health insurance, taking away rights from those in the LGBTQ+ community, telling students they have to leave the United States if their school is online in the fall, is evil. It’s evil, and that’s what it comes down to. He holds pure hatred in his heart, and cares about no one. Years of work and progression getting erased on a daily basis. I fear what he will do with four more years.
I’ve also been getting really uneasy over the thought of being alone for the rest of my life. I’m in a place where (clearly) I have way too many other things on my plate to even think for one second about getting into a relationship, but there seems to be this huge amount of pressure that we put on females to settle down and start a family before they’re 25. And it’s actually disgusting that we do that. You don’t owe anyone anything, and your life is your own life. Don’t let others around you make you think that you’re not good enough because of what you’re doing at any given time. It’s more than okay to allow yourself to be completely single and there’s not something wrong with you for doing so. A lot of people seem to not realize it, but you actually don’t need a man in your life to dictate your every move and make it worth living !! It’s more important to make sure you are secure in your own self – that you love yourself and are happy and proud to be around yourself. If you need a man in your life and are unable to be without one? Maybe there’s some more learning about yourself that you need to do. Working on yourself is so much more important. Speaking of them, more and more, men do things that make me actually want to die. I might as well air this out as well, because I can’t stop thinking about it. I went to the beach with one of my roommates the other day and as we were setting up our blanket, we heard these two men mumbling behind us. We quieted down and heard them saying absolutely awful things, an example being “I would pound the f*ck out of that.” They were sitting directly behind us, on a beach where multiple kids and teenagers were, thinking there was nothing wrong with opening their gross mouths to degrade two females they don’t know, at all. After we moved away from them, they sat there for the entire duration of our time on the beach, and pointed and giggled at every single girl that walked by them. The way middle aged white men think that this world is their little playground is disgusting.
I’ve just been feeling really hopeless. Things look bleak, and it’s scary. I don’t know why I’m in school, pursuing a degree in a field which could easily fall under within the next few years. I’m wasting money, time, and energy, in a city that I hate. Trying to find a job and an apartment in a city that I maybe don’t hate. To work for the rest of my life for a government that doesn’t care about me, and to eventually die still owing money to the government that doesn’t care me. It just really sucks that some people still can’t see how deranged living in America is. To still support and defend people who don’t care, who are willing to see the whole world destroyed just for their own benefit. I feel sick at the thought of living here for the rest of my life, because life should not be this hard.
I’m not a political person. Never have been. I went a really long time attempting to stay away from anything to do with the president, the government, our society, really, in general.
I’ve never gotten pulled over for a speeding ticket, accidentally running a red light or making an illegal U-turn. I’ve never feared for my life when walking past a cop. I’ve honestly never even had one so much as look at me twice when I’ve passed by them. I’ve never been stared at when strolling the aisles of a store.
I live in a state where marijuana is legal. I am free to smoke something that people go to jail for on a daily basis. I grew up somewhere surrounded by people who looked like me. I didn’t have a black professor until my junior year of college.
White privilege. An uncomfortable topic, but one that needs to be talked about. I grew up in a yeehaw country town where the sight of a confederate flag or, recently, a Make America Great Again banner, was not a rare thing to see. Those of you who call that place home know what it’s like. You know what a large bulk of the population is like, and who many of them voted for.
Before I got to college and found myself with a political major roommate and friends, I stayed away. I barely even knew the definition of the words “democrat” and “republican.” I was literally the definition of the person who says “I try to stay out of politics, it doesn’t matter to me.” I said that multiple times. Now, I know how much all of it does matter. Especially when you find yourself under the power of someone set on attacking the basic civil rights of not just one, but multiple minority groups.
There’s something deranged about watching police in major cities worldwide, attacking protesters walking for the justice of black people who have been murdered, by said police, sworn to protect and serve. Videos of the NYPD running their cars into crowds, without hesitation. People getting ripped out of their curfews, and staying out past a curfew made up to stop… what? People marching? Chanting the names George Floyd and Breonna Taylor, in hopes of getting SOME sort of justice for their families, as those who murdered her walk free without any repercussions? I went to one protest in downtown Boston where thousands marched, peacefully chanting and holding signs, where a black woman sobbed into a microphone about witnessing the murder of her son. Is that what they’re protecting us from? Watching the military walk through my city in bulletproof vests, seeing the statistics of how many billions of dollars go towards the police every year, while SO MANY people are living in the fucking streets, so many owe thousands of dollars to the government just because they chose to get a higher education, where so many people are not able to afford medicine that keeps them alive.
Our president tweeted about his birthday this morning. How it will be the best day ever. As our country is in civil unrest. Cops murdering people. A full on police state – he tweets about his birthday. He ran into a bunker and hid when the protests began. Racist remark after racist remark. We let the man who said “…grab them by the pussy” about WOMEN become a president. WOMEN voted for him after that. WOMEN still support him to this day, after he said that. Because, what? What makes him such a stellar president that people are willing to put up with a racist & sexist man, a man where full on documents have come out, confirming that he is a pedophile? Because the economy is better? It truly always comes down to money, does it not?
He was delayed in getting basic equipment for hospitals when we were faced with a global pandemic. It took a day to get the national guard into the streets of every major city.
Racism is an ISSUE. It is a huge fucking issue. And it is your job to educate yourself, and use the voice you have for those who can’t always use their voice. Fucking donate – it makes me sick to think of every fucking influencer, celebrity, ANYONE with a platform and money to spare, that have not donated a cent to anyone throughout this. I’ve seen countless college students and young people posting petition after petition, donation link after donation link, some of them having been out of work for months now because of the pandemic, some with not much money to spare, still donating.
It’s not a trend. It needs to fucking end, and every single murder case needs to be reopened. Things need to change. Educate yourself and show some fucking love to people, because this world needs more of it.
Something I’ve started realizing lately is how sexed up everyone is. Maybe it’s quarantine, maybe it’s having easier access to more things compared to how things were as a teenager, who knows – but in recent years people are NOT shy on talking about how much sex they’re having, what kind of sex they’re having, who they’re having sex with, etc etc etc. And that’s great! I remember growing up, you didn’t see much of anything on TV or movies. You’d get a peek at some heavy making out but besides that, things were pretty much kept behind closed doors and off of media. So it’s really something to see how open many people are nowadays. From actors and actresses talking in depth about their “wild and insane” sex lives, to 14/15 year olds talking about losing their VIRGInITY on an app where child predators surely are clicking through daily, to men thinking a “damn ur hot” message on Tinder will get them a booty pic within five minutes of talking. I’m not a fan.
I’m a shy girl – I think we all know this. Didn’t really date anyone in high school, rarely move past the talking stage with someone, not really inclined towards random hook ups. I’ve always been like this. I don’t really feel comfortable talking about it as openly as some other people do. And I’ve noticed that being around this insane hookup culture where all anyone is concerned with is how much sex they’re getting makes me SO insecure. And I don’t think I’m alone.
For those who think I’m speaking from a jealous place – sure, maybe. I can count the number of boyfriends I’ve had on one hand. I don’t have twenty different guys on any given day popping up in my DMs. But I’m surrounded by a lot of people who do, or at least put on a show claiming they do. I’m not coming for them – I wish with everything in me that I could be a hot and confident girl with my pick of guys, but it’s not the case. And it’s really hard to not compare my situation to others girls and feel awful about it.
Sex is everywhere. TV shows and movies air full sex scenes, porn is readily available for anybody at any time, Tinder has turned into a free for all where no one understands the concept of asking someone what they do for fun before asking for some nudes. And I’ve noticed that being around all of this puts me in a real bad place – “Why am I not good enough for anyone?” “Why am I good enough to hook up with once and then drop?” “Why aren’t I as pretty/funny/confident as her?” You know – all the fun questions. Deep down, I know I’ve become a really great person over the past year. We all have those times where we think we are the worlds most disgusting troll and refuse to even let a man so much as look at us, but I’ve genuinely really learned to love myself and enjoy my own company. Most of the time. But then those questions will pop up, or I’ll see someone post a picture of their cute ass, stupid ass, relationship and get sad. Or I’ll watch a stupid teenage romance movie and get sad that I’ve wasted my life and will never grow up next to the cute boy next door until we suddenly and entirely fall completely head over heels during prom our junior year. Or I’ll get five “send pics” messages in a row on a dating app. Always cute enough to see naked, but never cute enough to stick around for.
Because of these thoughts I have written off marriage in the future, even having kids in the future. I was talking to a friend the other day who said something along the lines of “You believe so fully in not wanting marriage but it’s only because you truly believe no one will ever want that with you.” And I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I kind of do this in every aspect of my life. I don’t want marriage, a wedding or kids – because I don’t believe someone could ever see that as a goal with me. If a guy shows interest in me, he must be joking – better ghost him quick before he can ghost you! It’s sad, and definitely has to do with what I saw relationship-wise growing up, and guys I’ve chosen to date in the past. But the good news is that I am here to smack some sense into you if you tend to think the same way.
Men are, no offense, emotionally stunted until the age of ?? Who’s to say? Haven’t gotten there yet. I’d rather not deal with dumb little games or toxicity, so recently I’ve decided I’m more than okay with j chilling until someone decent comes around. People love sex. People love to talk about sex. And it’s more than okay if you don’t. Everything is so in your face with social media, videos, or what have you these days and it’s so hard to believe that you’re not unlovable. It’s so easy to think that everyone else in the world is either talking to someone or hooking up with someone or dating someone. Besides that not being true, it also doesn’t mean that it’s never going to happen to you personally. And, believe me, I know how incredibly cheesy all of this sounds, but coming from an extreme pessimist at heart, it took me a really long time to be okay with saying any of this. I have my insecure moments, days where I feel like a creature dredged up from the nearest swamp, and other days I can confidently say I’m the most stunning, magnificent, wonderful, quirky, masterpiece of a human being. I will never be a random hook up girl. I will never have a mob of men pining after me. But one day a perfect, dumb goofball will roll into my life and I’ll know why it never happened with anyone else.
So, with everything going on in the world, I’ve obviously been taking advantage of all of the free time I have recently found myself surrounded by, by getting back into reading. Even with the world’s most avid of readers, there are still lulls of time in which you lose all desire to pick up any book, even books you’ve read before and loved. Nothing pulls you in or excites you, you don’t have the energy to read even one chapter, can’t seem to focus on any of the words on the page. This is such a crappy feeling to have especially when it’s towards something you really love and enjoy doing, and I’m sure everyone who has a hobby they’re passionate towards can relate. I tend to get like this most when I have a lot going on in my life, because there are truly so many other things to do other than reading words on a page. I’ve made a significant dent with the piles of unread books scattered throughout my room, and figured what better time than to write a blog post recommending my favorites in the hopes of helping someone get their mind off of the scariness enveloping the world right now.
The first book that really kicked my ass out of the reading slump is called The Chain by Adrian McKinty. I found this one on Goodreads and three pages into the book I was already hooked. I’m very bad at giving book synopsis’ without giving away the full ending and every single plot twist that exists, so I’ll do my best but this book had a super unique plot that I hadn’t seen before. Basically, and I’ll just go ahead and say possible spoilers ahead because, who knows, but “the chain” is a long line of ordinary families/parents being forced to kidnap a child – any child – and being forced to hold them for a ransom until the family of that child kidnaps another child, and the cycle continues. Your child is only released when you kidnap another and collect ransom from that family. You can see how some parents, especially including the main character, single mother Rachel, will go to the absolute ends of the earth for their children, no matter what it takes. Rachel makes a handful of decisions that I can’t imagine anyone making, including whether or not to murder this child which she has taken, in order to save her own. Rachel eventually finds the leader of this terrifying scheme, and the author makes it so you can’t figure out who might be behind the whole thing until the author decides to reveal it, which I loved. This book hooked me in immediately and I can guarantee the hell that goes on in this book will get your mind off of the hell that’s going on in our own world.
I really fell in love with a book called The Animators by Kayla Rae Whittaker. I love me a good feel-good novel, or even just a book that follows someone’s normal, everyday life; a book that you can really relate to, and this book filled every expectation I had and then surpassed them. It follows two cartoon animators (which already makes the book unique – how many books have you read where the characters have professional careers in animation and film?) Mel Vaught and Sharon Kisses. It’s one of those books where the author paints such a clear picture of not only the main characters but the surrounding ones as well, and if you’ve read anything like this before, you know how quickly you can forget every single other thing going on around you and get sucked in for six hours without blinking an eye, and that’s exactly what I did. I raced through this in two days because I didn’t want to put it down, and really felt as if I was experiencing everything in real life as it was happening in the book. And THEN I was hit with one of the biggest plot twists, which shocked me enough that I had to walk away for a minute. I am a private investigator in my heart and soul, and can usually see a twist in a book coming from miles away, but I completely missed this one, and before I ruin it, I’ll stop talking about it. But go read this book.
Aphrodite Made Me Do It by Trista Mateer. This book is phenomenal. I am the first one to make fun of those little “poem” books by Rupi Kaur and whoever else, so I was definitely skeptical going into this one, and just honestly bought it because I liked the title and the cover was pink and pretty. Poetry written on the goddess Aphrodite tied into a modern story, connecting past and present. It’s full of beautifully written lines like “I’m afraid of never loving someone as much as I loved the last person who broke my heart” and “what brings us together will always be more powerful than what keeps us apart,” combined with gorgeous images (that I have vscoed about fourteen of). The book has been my “nightstand book” for about two months now because it’s that good and I can’t stop looking at it.
The last one (though I can talk about books for eighteen hours straight and will do so with anyone at any given time) is Theft by Finding Words: 1977-2000 by David Sedaris. Each chapter is a year, and it’s literally just a journal of everything that is on Sedaris’ mind at that time. Some entries are one sentence, some one paragraph, some one page. The entries are about nothing in particular, basically whatever is happening in his life at that moment, any funny people or things he comes across, or crazy situation he gets into. It’s a really laid back book, and because it’s not really a story per se, but a collection of events, it’s easy to come back and fall right back into after a couple of days of not reading. It’s become one of my favorites, even though it’s essentially a man’s journal full of seemingly insignificant things, you kind of get to see how even the smallest of events, or any stranger we run into, has the power to make a big impression in our lives.
Take this chance of self-quarantine and isolation and pick up a book. With everything going on, it’s the perfect chance to lose yourself in another world among made-up characters and problems, and if you need a book recommendation based off your other interests, I got you. If you want to check out new books but don’t want to spend the money, understandably, at this time, Thrift Books is my favorite site to buy off of. You can get both classics and new books for incredibly reasonable prices, I just bought a new edition of Gone With the Wind for literally six dollars. And if you don’t know where to start, Good Reads is basically just like Twitter but for book recommendations and reviews. There are lists of the top books of all time, or top books of a certain year, or in a certain category. When you make a profile, you can choose the book you’re reading and set it as “currently reading” which then shows on your profile. They also allow you to set up your virtual bookshelf, and then everyone can see whatever books you’re reading, and vice versa. Even if it’s not reading, take this time to absorb yourself in a hobby you never saw yourself doing. Yes, things are scary right now and there’s a lot to worry about, and a new hobby isn’t on everyone’s agenda, but having something to wake up and do has really helped my mental state a ton. Stay safe!
It took me a minute to decide whether I wanted to add my own thoughts on feelings on the big C that is currently ~ruining every single thing for every single person~. The world is terrifying right now, and I, like many of you, have no idea what day it is and can’t exactly pinpoint when the last time was that I was able and willing to keep up with the news. This whole situation is panic inducing enough, even more so for someone who is massively anxious and thinks the world is ending on a normal day, pre-global pandemic. I think that’s why I initially wrote this whole…. “thing” off as everyone being super dramatic and over preparing for nothing. Because I do this on a normal basis. So while I was scared when the first case happened preeetty close to where I live, I figured it would be taken care of and was nothing too serious. But then every school in America closed? Basketball canceled? Restaurants closing dining areas, stores, malls, and amusement parks all closing for the foreseeable future? Shit got real, real quick.
For me, hiding out at home and not having to see anyone is my dream, but when the choice to actually go out and do something is taken away from you, it’s kind of… scary ?? I love books, love binging TV shows for an excessively long time (I have finished Love Is Blind and need something similar to come out Very Soon) and love sleeping just as much as the next person but I’d rather not do all of this in a hellish cycle for the next couple of months. Also at the rate of which I eat meals, I will be running out of food in the next day and someone will have to roll me down the hall in about two weeks.
I wasn’t scared at first – if we had gone on immediate lock-down for a couple of weeks and shut everything down and no one could go anywhere, from the start, I would have felt better than how it actually went down We waited too long, people panicked, and now it’s out of hand, just like we were all warned. My first time in a Target the other day was unreal – I saw people with seven bottles of dish soap in their cart, or five cartons of milk, a mountain of bread loaves, and like.. what? Grocery stores are open and have been deemed essential businesses so will remain open – why. Why? Why!!! Were people storming the stores!!! They’re still open even now!! While it’s completely expected for people to be scared about something like this, the way people have started acting towards each other is awful. How do you expect to get anywhere yelling at a retail employee who doesn’t want to be bagging your groceries any more than you want to be out buying said groceries? I was one of those people who didn’t flock immediately to the local store to grab my 24 bags of toilet paper, and now … can’t find any! Should have panic bought! Should have lost my shit like the rest of the population who’s first worry in a national crisis is how they will wipe! Stepping into any sort of store the last two weeks has felt very apocalyptic and it’s worrisome seeing that this is how we all act in an emergency.
Didn’t think I would be filing for unemployment less than a year after graduating from college. Didn’t think I would be living in my favorite city, a beautiful and busy one, but with a virus spreading through it faster than the news could report. I feel so sad for everyone affected, truly. My heart hurts for seniors in both high school, college, whatever it is, because while some people are going to be annoying and tell you that people are dying so you should be thankful, it sucks. It sucks to miss out on something you have been working towards for years, and I can’t imagine how scary and overwhelming it must be to say goodbye to your friends and your school while all of this happening. And my heart hurts for everyone who has been left without a job, not knowing what to do next. I’m scared for people who leave their house as an escape, whatever that escape may be. Myself, I know I might truly go insane if stuck inside without a routine for the next few weeks, months, whatever it may be. I had gotten to a point before all of this, where I was so happy with my life and myself, and those around me and it scares me looking ahead, knowing what being alone in a room can do to a person and their thoughts.
Not to be a complete depressing asshole, there’s some definite perks. My sleep schedule has truly never looked better. My cat has never received so many cuddles. Discovering new music has become my job. Ordering delivery an excessive amount has now become my civic duty, and I will not disappoint. My bong and I have become well acquainted and my pile of “books to read” has dwindled significantly. It’s been a great time to do a social media cleanse – I deleted twitter off of my phone at one point because the news and other peoples opinions genuinely got to be too much, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt better after doing so. (Highly recommended – take a break or you will drive yourself crazy. You will be updated on any breaking news updates, you do not have to constantly be scrolling through Twitter). So while life is scary outside, it is nice to just be able to take a breather for a second. Though I do request that this end quickly as I am getting closer to making a dancing tik-tok video and I don’t think any of us want this.
“I’m going to blog daily!! I’m going to get famous from my writing!! I am!! So!! Good!!” she said before writing five blog posts and disappearing. Life has truly been a wild roller coaster in 2020, and between running to the bathroom 68 times a day to wash my hands so the Corona virus doesn’t get me, taking a quick three day trip to the hospital because my body graced me with not just one, and not just two, but three kidney stones (<3), and somehow finding the world’s greatest job, I can’t say I have been the world’s best blogger.
I went back and forth between posting a life update blog or a blog that would be way too long, a blog that no one asked for, that being a review of all the books I’ve been reading lately. (Don’t worry, I literally do not care that no one asked for this, and will be doing it anyway soon enough). But too much crazy has been happening in the world and I must get my thoughts into the open on them, not that anyone asked for this either.
Starting with me landing a fantastic job after being MISERABLE at my last one. I left a job that was run by toddlers, and I wasn’t making close to enough money because I kept jumping at the chance to leave early and get away from that place. And honestly your job means everything – if you’re not happy getting up and going to work every day, you’ll be miserable in general, even when you’re not at work. Working that job made me an awful person to be around – I was having to get up early in the morning, work 12 hour days (never consistent!! a fun guessing game!!) and dealing with employees who treated the place like their own personal hang out space. I was so unhappy, and after lasting a mere three months – not even, I knew I had to either find a better job here or go back home. After applying to, not to be dramatic or anything, 60 million jobs, and hearing back from approximately three, I got a call back for a front office coordinator position in Davis Square (the…prettiest square in all of Boston) and after accidentally lying to the person on the phone about my skills in insurance, I went in and a couple of weeks later accepted the job. And when I say it is a complete 360 turn around from the other job, I’m not being dramatic. Every. Single. Person. Who works here. Is the. NICEST. Person I have Ever. Met. Not one nasty bone in any of these people’s bodies. Every single person has reached out to me to see how I am doing, yell at me (kindly) to drink more water, and is incredibly patient with my dumb ass mistakes. I don’t even mind waking up at the absolute butt crack of dawn to take a forty five minute T ride, and I feel like that should say a lot in and of itself.
I can’t not mention the Coronavirus. Starting in college, for some unknown reason, I became somewhat of a weirdo germaphobe. I will not share food or drinks that someone else has touched, and if a bag of chips or anything else has been opened already and a grubby little hand has felt around on the inside, I would rather die ten times over than stick my own hand in there. So as you can imagine, I have been ~freaking out~. I think I have bought fourteen hand sanitizers in the last week and step into the bathroom 1,089 times a day and after touching any single thing. I’ve already gotten a few freak out phone calls from my mom (the apple truly does not fall far from the tree) telling me under no circumstances should I get on a flight to Miami in a week…
Speaking of !!!!!! I am going to Miami with my roommates next weekend? Like it still has not even hit yet, that at a very low point in my life last year, I said to myself, “Huh. Would a vacation to Miami during spring break help me feel better? Yes, I believe it would,” and bought tickets. Like I’m not going to have 52 panic attacks five minutes into being in the most crowded place to be during vacation. Like I’m not going to stroke out picking club outfits as if I haven’t been going to parties in the same black crop top and ripped jeans for the last five years. However, I cannot stop thinking about being on a beach, near the water, with a pretty little drink and a book in my hand, and I know I’m going to have the time of my life but.. My flight. Is on a Friday! the 13TH!!!!!!! Can’t even begin to understand the irony here. I wouldn’t say I’m completely superstitious (black cat, hello) but getting on a plane on Friday the 13th is just asking for death, and I am going to have to be absolutely baked out of my mind to even get in a car to go to the airport.
One final update and maybe the biggest ?? of my life? Of course I have been well aware of the fact that men are, usually, awful, and after my last deep situation (this is the worst description I have ever written/read, please leave me alone, it is approximately 7am) with a guy who, once again, treated me like an actual pile of dog crap that he had accidentally stepped in, I had a light bulb moment in which I realized that girls are…. hot??? I don’t know if this is a mid-life crisis or not, but recently men have been just the last option and I kind of hate them. Growing up in a household where I would jokingly ask my mom “yo what would you do if I liked girls” and the answer being “well, I guess I would have to accept it,” I was terrified to let my mother know about this newfound trait of mine. She is my absolute my best friend and the amount of times she has called and I have responded, “I am too stoned to move and will have to call you back” is over one hundred, so it’s not like she’s a scary person or anything, she just has never really been around that sort of thing in her life. I brought my very gay best friend home over one day, a couple of years ago, and when she walked out of the bathroom, my mom, trying so very hard to be understanding of something she is so unfamiliar with, says “So, when’d you come out? Are you going to have kids?” after knowing this person for less than an hour. But after jokingly hitting me with a “omg I have to go restart my heart,” after I broke the news, she made sure to tell me that whoever I’m happy with should be who I am with, and that she loves me regardless, which is honestly all you ever need to hear from your mom.
So, in conclusion, life has kind of been wack. Boston still has my whole entire heart, and I’m so glad to see myself changing into a person that I am proud of.
One of the nerdier things I’ve gifted myself recently is a “Top 100 Books” poster, where you scratch off the books listed as you read them, or if you’ve read them already. Being the self proclaimed bookworm that I am, I really thought I would have at least 50 of the top books read, and would be able to impress everyone with this cool filled in poster on my wall. But to my deepest shame and embarrassment, I think I scratched off less than 15. I’ve definitely been lacking in my reading lately, and it really is hard when you genuinely love doing something but can’t seem to find the time to do it. So one of my resolutions for this year was to read the books in order and have the poster scratched in and finished by the end of 2020.
First up – American Gods by Neil Gaiman. The reason why I love this idea, and making myself read all one hundred books in order, is finding books that I never, in a million years, would have picked up in a store or a library. I’ve never been one for the fantasy or science fiction genre, which is ultimately what this book is. The book touches on the idea of good and bad gods, mythology, and war – three things that I would pass on in any other book. I don’t want to summarize – you can google these books and find those out in less than two seconds. That, and I really, really encourage everyone to read this fantastic book. Picture an acid trip. Now, picture that acid trip in book form as that is truly what this book felt like. This could be due to the fact that I smoked consistently throughout reading it, but honestly I believe wholeheartedly that this book was made to be read when you’re stoned, which after hearing what it’s all about, you’ll see exactly what I mean.
Shadow, an ex convict, gets released from prison early, due to his wife dying in a car accident in the middle of having an affair with Shadow’s best friend. A guy named Wednesday (the names in this book make no sense, and I won’t even bother trying to explain them, mostly because I don’t understand them myself yet), known as Odin, or the all-father, and asks Shadow to work for him, basically as an errand boy or a bodyguard. The two men travel across the world meeting Wednesday’s acquaintances, mostly gods. I’m telling you all, when minor scenes would end, I would get genuinely upset that that scene in particular, which might have lasted maybe ten or fifteen pages – the characters, setting, whatever had been talked about, was over. Gaiman has a way of painting a picture so detailed that you truly find yourself within the book and among the characters. You physically feel like you’re there, taking a part in the scene.
The main plot of the book is that the new gods and the old gods are arguing and about to go to war. The old gods have seen a decrease in their powers, due to people not believing in them as much as the new gods, which are representing newer technology, and modern life. On top of all of this, Shadow’s dead wife Laura keeps showing up to talk to him – a lot for any normal ex-convict to have on his plate. Shadow ends up being hidden by Wednesday in a small, sleepy town called Lakeside. Gaiman made it so that the picture of Lakeside he envisioned within the book made me nostalgic about my own hometown – it was the quintessential small town where everybody knew everybody. I never wanted to leave the world of Lakeside, and could have gone on reading about the town and the people residing there, forever. Wednesday keeps showing up and taking Shadow on missions, but we get to meet a few Lakeside characters, like the sole Irish cop and Mabel, who sells the best pasties in the world. Like I said, I could have read a whole book just on the town of Lakeside itself, but we really didn’t get to see Shadow there a lot, as he was busy running around stopping a war between gods. But don’t worry – Shadow returns to solve the murder of a young girl and finds a killer within the small town that has been sacrificing children to Odin for years. And who doesn’t love a little murder mystery tied with mythology, con men and a dead wife who won’t go away?
I’m so excited to read the rest of these books on the list – I’ve never been one for the “classics” and haven’t really read any of the books that English majors worship over like others worship the bible. I encourage everyone to go out and pick up a book that you would never otherwise normally read, as I never would have picked out this book and enjoyed it as much as I did. As cliche as the “don’t judge a book by a cover” saying is, it really rings true here.
side note – I have a hundred books to go, and probably a ton of thoughts about each and every one of them. Please let me know if this was interesting in ANY way and if I should continue talking about the books on this list as I finish them 🙂
I’m sure you’ve seen at least 45 other articles titled “New Year New Me: 3,440 Things I learned About Myself in 2019” or “15 Things I Did in 2019 That No One Else but Me Cares About,” but I’ve been incredibly in my feels during this last week of the year. So, so much has happened to me in the last decade, it feels like I have truly lived sixteen different lives. I could go on and on about the things that have happened here, but it’ll just lead to me posting 73 photos to go along with that no one wants to look at, so here are just six of the major parts of the last decade.
I never saw myself going to college. Obviously, I wanted a career and money in the future, but I wasn’t one of those people who grew up with one specific college in mind, holding it in such high regard that if I didn’t get in I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. I literally applied to the schools I applied to based on if I had to pay the fee. I applied to Siena just because it was close to my family, but not too close, I wasn’t forced to pay the fifty dollars to apply, and they gave me a ton of financial aid. That’s it, there’s no amazing story there. Yet this spontaneous decision led me to the best four years of my life. I look back at Siena and feel so much happiness and thankfulness. From the nights out at the bar with my friends, spending way too much money on screwdrivers that were 80% water, and not being worried whatsoever about getting home at the end of the night, to quiet days holed up in Casey’s doing homework with a coffee. Being able to live with my closest friends not even two minutes away from me was the best thing I have ever experienced, and I will hold the happy memories that Siena gave me, close to my heart, for the rest of my life.
I won’t get too deep into this one because I’ve written about it and honestly who cares, but this was the biggest event of 2019 for me. I left the small town where my family, friends, and everything I’d ever known was, to move into my first apartment, with my cat, to live with three strangers in Boston. I fell in love with the city, applied to grad school fully believing I would not be accepted, and have managed to support myself for a few months now, and I’d say things are going pretty well (except for the take-out addiction and massive newly acquired road rage). Grad school is hard, life on your own is hard, doing the dishes every day is hard, but I am so proud of myself for getting away and starting life on my own.
Sickness sucks. That’s one huge (obvious) thing that I’ve become more aware of within the last decade. Going into college, I was hit with the news that one of my family members was sick, had been sick for a while. My mom truly is my best friend. She has always made sure we have an open relationship where I can tell her everything, even things that she doesn’t want to hear. She has made sure my brother and I have gotten anything we have ever asked for or wanted, even if it was really difficult to do. She listens to me complain about everything, and when I’m in the wrong, she lets me know instead of sugarcoating things when we both know I’m being dumb. She accepts my 30 phone calls a day, and almost completely covers up her annoyance after the 25th one. She is the strongest woman I know, and truly does not deserve any of what life has given her. Going into 2020, I wish nothing but the absolute most amazing things for this wonderful, selfless human being.
This is farther down the list because every day of my life I have tried hard to completely block off the hell on earth that high school was. Heed my warning, for anyone still in high school that might just happen to read my blogs, please just know that it is a joke. Power through with grades that can get you to college, which does matter, and teaches you huge life lessons and gives you major life experiences, things that high school wishes it could do. I can’t say I have one real friend left from high school. Whether it was because of a huge falling out or just distance over the years, everyone has sort of faded away. Nowadays, I run into these people with their own kids, or see engagement pictures on social media, and it blows my mind that this very normal and mundane thing is going to continue on into the next decade. For real, when do I stop being shocked at pregnancy announcements? We’re not sixteen anymore, we’re in our twenties, like… it’s perfectly okay.
5. So Much Music
I’d say the years in which I was 12-22 brought the bulk of festivals, concerts and shows that I’ve been to. My first concert ever was Mayday Parade back in my sophomore year in high school, and throughout the decade, not only have I seen them five times, but got to meet and (!!!) hug them, and they remain my absolute favorite band. I’ve seen too many overrated rappers, thanks to Siena, and have to add seeing Kid Ink, T-Pain, and Fetty Wap to the list. Though I don’t remember most of these, at all, hearing Dan Bilzerian live for the first time might have changed my life. My emo heart soared when I got to go to Warped Tour in 2018 and saw We The Kings, Mayday Parade, Real Friends, State Champs, The Maine, Simple Plan AND 3oh!3. No concert will probably ever even come close to being as amazing as seeing all of those guys in one place, though Sad Summer Fest in Boston, earlier this summer came close. I should’ve known it’d be the best day of my life when, while waiting in the merch line with a Margarita in hand, I spotted the lead singer of my favorite band. While sweating profusely and stuttering “I…Iove you” in front of Mayday Parade was not my finest moment, this will remain the best day of my entire life. Mom Jeans, The Wonder Years and The Maine brought this festival right up there to the number two spot. Some other favorites were seeing A Day to Remember, All Time Low & Blink 182, for free, back in 2016 and realizing indie concerts (Catfish and the Bottlemen and Hippocampus) have a vibe unlike any other. Going into 2020, I will sell my soul to see My Chemical Romance or the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Speaking it into the universe.
6. Finding Out Exactly Who I Am
Ew, the title of this section is genuinely cringy and gross, but I have to say, I am a completely different person than I was a decade ago. From 12 to 22, I’ve learned about all of the greatest traits I have and some of the not so great traits. I’ve learned that my biggest trait is loyalty – I love and care for people with everything in me, even if it’s not returned, and in the beginning of the decade, it definitely led to people taking advantage of me. I gave multiple chances to people who didn’t deserve it. I’ve learned to be loyal to the people who make a point of giving that loyalty and care back. The not so great traits that have made an appearance in the last few years are my anger, insecurity, and sensitivity. 2019 was the year I finally decided to go on medication for anxiety, and while I still have a ways to go, I’m so glad I stopped feeling ashamed of my extreme nervousness and shyness, and did something positive for myself. As for the sensitivity flaw, I’ve learned, it’s not such a flaw. It’s allowed me to learn how to talk to people. Throughout middle and high school, I was angry. I was just an angry kid. While I can blame a lot of this on my family life, and things that were going on in high school, I was miserable being angry and bitter towards everyone. I was awful to everyone I came across, and it led to some big losses in my life. While I’ve lost a few people, I’ve taken the lessons learned from these experiences, and become a much less angrier person. As someone who hates conflict, I keep to myself when I’m angry or something is said that upsets me (which, let’s be honest, is 98% of the time) and it’s led to really healthy and mature conversations in my life. I’ve learned that while you might not be able to help picking up on certain toxic traits from family members, you have the choice of choosing how to act on these traits. I’ve let my anger and bitterness go, because it’s just not worth it. It takes too much energy, and the feeling of anger in your chest has a physical effect on you, that isn’t worth the anger in the first place. I’ve also learned that I don’t like answering to people, and love being on my own (this is definitely also a flaw – my favorite activity over the last decade has been cancelling plans).
So, as this decade wraps up and we head into 2020, I am so excited. This next decade will be the one where I get my master’s degree and start my dream career. Hopefully, the decade where I start a family, and hopefully the decade where a cure for Multiple Sclerosis is finally found. The decade where I will one hundred percent get at least five more cats. The decade where I maybe will manage to buy a car that doesn’t break down on me in two months I am so happy with the people coming into 2020 with me, and am so excited to look back on the last ten years with nostalgia and use the lessons I’ve learned in the next ten. As cringy as the “new year, new me” statement is cringe, but it rings true – it’s a new decade. You can do, be, have, want, anything you want, and it’s exciting to think of it as a brand new chapter in your life. Here’s to the happiest new year.